I grew up thinking that everyone gets everything in life except me . No one made me believe that but still that's how I grew up. Finally reached my twenties and completed my studies still feeling that "We were poor and everyone gets what they want but I don't. Others are fortunate and I am not"!!!
And now when I look back at those years, I see them being so so so rich. I feel that I was bathing in all the richness of the world. Completely soaked and marinated in the richness of unconditional love by my parents, relatives and grandma(my beeji).
I don't even know how to measure the love that I received - in kilos, litres, or may be light years .... don't know but it was infinite. It is like mom asking a small child " how much do you love me ?" And the child stretches his arms as far as possible and says " sooooooo much"...
I still have those flashes of sleeping with my legs and hands on my "beeji" and asking her to narrate a story every night. And she would reciprocate by holding me and hugging me even tighter narrating lovely stories where sleep would gently pull me into its arms and hug me.Blessed with deep ,sound ,refreshing ,sleep!!!
I don't know if you feel this lovely and a beautiful sensation of "being accepted completely " when someone you love hugs you back or just holds your hand. Touch has that special magic to establish connection especially from the dearest and the nearest loved ones.
I was blessed by a crowd of friends- so many of them and all of them were amazing. None of us had any gadgets but we were really busy and didn't ever want to come back home. Playgrounds, trees and every little corner of our houses were our best play zones and play areas. There were no AC's but sweating and summers were fun too..... no toys..... but we felt like we owned the planet and everything on this earth.So much love, so much connection with each other.....it was just amazing.. For all of us play was meditation.....loving each and every moment in awe of the beauties of nature. Every little thing was a "miracle" and we were all so mesmerised by everything that happened around us !!!!
And then there were people who would make me feel conscious of my looks( perhaps they were conscious of theirs), made me conscious of the house that we lived in saying that it was small ( perhaps they wanted a bigger house) !!!
And with each passing day as I was growing, I started moving from thoughts of "abundance " to "lack" and was convinced that "I don't have enough and that I am not good enough".
My child like spirit of being happy in all things ,the smallest of things started breaking and shattering. My soul which was forever grateful for everything in life started seeing lack -and thus my relationship with the almighty became transactional rather than just that of gratitude and love.
I moved from an abyss of deep love to a shallow life of just earning material possessions.I bought a so called big house just to show to the world that I was really good. I have always been a warrior and will work for and achieve everything that I ever wanted.
So , I moved to this big house but with ok neighbors who were not even interested in me. A formal greeting was all that was the connecting point and that's it. "How are you ?" was also just a formality. No one even cared how I felt and expected me to reply with a fake "I am fine ".
After marriage, I moved from my play areas of fun to play areas in a mall( for my son) which had AC but were cold and lacked any connection or warmth of love. We paid to play and that too, to play alone because no one had time for each other !!! I was getting into that congested zone of being an overstressed over scheduled adult who was struggling hard to stick to the purpose of life.
From eating at home, it was eating out at the best fine dining restaurants but it didn't have the taste that the food has which my mom cooks. My mom used to add the secret ingredient of love while cooking which was lacking now. We had to clean up and wash the vessels and not just pay for the food we ate. Every morsel of food was to be consumed. The saying was " Khao man bhar, feko na kan bhar"
And now as I write this, I am realising that I was always blessed ,whole, pure, radiant good-to-the-core self. I always got what I wanted and was so very happy.
It was just my thoughts which sometimes made me believe that " I was not good enough" but you know what I also believe that everything happens for a beautiful reason and I am trying to get my old happy, carefree, vulnerable self back again.
Material possessions are important but so also are the basic ingredients of life. If I want my life to taste like my mom's food, I need to add a lot of LOVE and a lot of LOVE and a lot of LOVE in everything that I do and to everyone that I meet...
I now chose to becoming a human BE -ing and not a "human doing".
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