As I start writing these lines, I can listen to the wind gushing and the leaves rustling, sometimes scaring me and sometimes nourishing my soul. It is a very wet day today and there is water logging everywhere and also Ganpati Visarjan.
These days take me back to the times when I and my sister were very little. My dad didn’t work on the days that there was Visarjan. I was hardly 10 years old and my sister barely 5. There we were near the beach at Seven Bunglows shivering to the wind that was slapping us while the rain lashed us till we were drenched along with mom and dad. And these memories keep coming back. Seeing one ganpati after the other, ready for Visarjan.
I used to be mesmerized by the artist’s ability to carve such a beautiful form that the eyes of Ganpati would speak. I still remember those days when my dad also took me on his cycle’s back seat.
Oh!!!
How much I miss (no I think I remember) those days.
There is this emotional pain which I feel as a heartache. I miss my dad even today and even typing these lines stirs emotions in me so much so that tears fall out of my eyes. I think I am still grieving and I allow myself to do so even after 7 years of my dad’s death.
In this fast world, there are rituals around death and we all get back to the routine. But somewhere, somethings are better being slow. Grief and grieving are slow and natural processes that will happen slowly and takes time till the gap created by the loss is gradually getting lesser. It takes years for the gap to bridge.
In the earlier years after my dad’s death, I wanted myself to feel that life moves on and that nothing stops. But there are some sombre moments and dark moments which come and remind me that the gap still remains and the grief like a tonic lubricates my heart by flowing through my eyes. Initially I used to resist it, but now I allow and accept that I miss my dad and also my grand-mom.
I have learnt that I have to express what I am feeling even if it sharing the very dull moments of our life. And it is absolutely ok to feel sad and grieve when I want to for my dad and my grand-mom. I have learnt that feelings have to be felt and shared -they cannot be buried alive.......
I have also learnt that love is so different. The love that I received from my dad and my grand-mom is so different from the one that I receive from my husband, mom, sister or my son. And all of them love me in their own ways. The signature of the love that each person’s energy shares with us is so different rather unique and no one can substitute any one. And so the signature of my dad’s and grand-mom's love is vacant now and will ALWAYS be vacant. It will never be filled. I love the emotional pain that I feel now. The pain like a teacher is teaching me that I have to live each moment and learn to receive and give love.
And I am not talking about being sad or wanting dad or grand-mom to come back. No, not at all......
They will continue with their journey in the other world while I continue mine on this planet. However, the time that we spent together was awesome. We had our fights and friendly moments too. We had our times when I really irritated them and they irritated me but now when I look back, it is amazing............
Their going has taught me to love everyone who is dear and near to me and live with them in each moment.
To live life each moment while it throws so called sad moments and the happy ones, the failures and the successes, the times when we lean on the shoulders of our friends and the times when we give our shoulders to others so that they can vent.
We are all helping each other to evolve and grow.
Dad and grand-mom have both taught me that death is not a bad or a painful thing. They both embraced death when they felt they were ready for it. Death happens to the living every time when feelings are not expressed, conflicts are not resolved and life goes on for the sake of it.
Grief is my teacher. And I don't see it as something bad that I want to get rid of or counseled for. I feel that it is a process that is shaping me and transforming me to become better than what I am right now.
My dad and grand-mom continue to help me to evolve even when they have passed over. The grief keeps teaching me to love as that heals and lubricates my entire physical body. Love is the chemical which can keep us young for ever in heart and spirits.... so keep living and keep loving....
Elizabeth Kubler Ross says
The reality is you will grieve forever
You will not get over the loss of a loved one, you will learn to live with it.
You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.
You will be whole again but you will never be the same again
Nor should you be the same nor should you want to....
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